Union Square Station
Malone
1/11

The Hero of Chappaquiddick; The Laird of Chappaqua

What a shame, really, that Linda Chavez had to withdraw as Bush's designated Secretary of Labor. Chavez is tough and quick with a word, and that's what would have made the questioning of her by Ted Kennedy at her confirmation hearing such a hot ticket.

Kennedy: Ah, well, Ms. Chavez, you did in fact harbor an illegal alien in your home?

Chavez: Yes I did, Senator Kennedy.

Kennedy: And having violated the law you would propose to hold the high position in government you've been nominated for?

Chavez: Well, Senator Kennedy, it's not as if I had killed someone.

Kennedy: That's not the point, Ms. Chavez. How would you propose to enforce laws when you so easily ignore them yourself?

Chavez: We'd just have to cross that bridge when we came to it, wouldn't we Senator?

Kennedy: So, you claim that you were just helping this woman and that she wasn't working for you?

Chavez: That's right, Senator Kennedy. I even drove her to job interviews, and I did so while I was completely sober.

Kennedy: And you expect us to believe that you helped her because she was in an abusive relationship?

Chavez: Yes, Senator, you might say that she was drowning and I dove in the water and rescued her.

If Chavez were really good she could have gone on in this vein throughout her questioning by the Hero of Chappaquiddick, and even during questioning from other Senators by prefacing her answers to their questions with "As I would say to Senator Kennedy..."

Had she run out of answers with references to the Hero of Chappaquiddick, Chavez could have thrown in a few that referred to the Laird of Chappaqua.

Senator Whoever: So, Ms. Chavez, you claim that this woman was never anything more than a house guest?

Chavez: Yes, Senator, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Senator Whoever: Your purpose then in fighting on for this position is to simply overcome your opponents?

Chavez: Why, no, Senator, I'm fighting to defend the Constitution.

But it wasn't to be, which is too bad. Perfect opportunities like that only appear on the horizon every so often, and it's a pity to waste them.

Two more notes about the Laird of Chappaqua.

First, he and the Lardass (that might be the feminine of Laird, for the moment, anyway) are dumping Socks the Cat. Socks was good enough to serve as a prop in the White House for eight years, but apparently he has outlived his usefulness. Socks, reports the New York Post, will be going home with Betty Currie when the White House changes hands. The excuse is that Socks doesn't get along with Buddy.

Second, Alex Cockburn reports in New York Press that the Laird and Lardass have worked their magic once again. The Secret Service agents watching over them will need a place to stay in Chappaqua, so the Laird and Lardass have generously handed over an outbuilding on the property for which they will be charging the taxpayers a rent that by coincidence will be the same as their monthly mortgage payment for the entire joint.

Never give a sucker an even break, right?

© Union Square Journal 2001

Previously by Malone...

Real Millennium Strange (01/03/01)

Smoke 'em if you got 'em (12/21/00)

Union Square Station (12/11/00)

Union Square Station (12/3 back to 11/24/00)