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2/22 I know, with certainty In an absolute frenzy of mad desperation, Your Kindly Union Square Journal Editor has sent me an e-mail request for an article about women and firearms, to wit: John- I really need for you to sit down and off the top of your head give me 800 words on what the well-outfitted adult woman has to choose from in personal firearms. This is something for the ladies. What would fit nicely in the purse. What's stylish. What is guaranteed to stop a rapist. Please. Don't think about it. Just rip it off the top of your head. 800 words. -Kindly Editor2 "Just rip it off the top of [my] head," eh? An interesting choice of words. Does it not reveal something about the hidden agenda of Your Kindly Editor? Aside from the sinister overtones of violence, can we not hermaneut3 (as my friend S. would put it) a more arcane background? Some scholars (and my friend S.) believe that the crusading Knights Templar (who became immensely wealthy from the proceeds of looting the Holy Land, and who were later persecuted as witches and sorcerers4) practiced the art of trepanation -- that is, boring a hole in the skull of the initiate for magical purposes. (This can be done under quite primitive circumstances, if you don't mind losing a patient once in a while). Some scholars insist that the remnants of the Templar order survived, in hiding, to this very day! Is Kindly Editor making some kind of Templar reference? Does he imagine I have a hole in the top of my head whence Union Square Journal articles can be "ripped off" or out? (So far, I've burned up about 300 words with this inane speculation -- and by cleverly reprinting the initial e-mail request. Ha, ha, Kindly Editor! I am the Last Man, Beyond Good and Evil -- your puny morality means nothing to me!) All right -- enough stalling. Enough damnable padding. Let us turn to consideration of that "well-outfitted adult woman" and her choice in firearms. One wonders why Kindly Editor feels that an article of this nature would be of the slightest use in Little Old New Amsterdam, Utopia-On-The-Hudson, where (along with playing double dutch with real double dutchmen5) all violence and criminality has been banished by the simple expedient of making private firearms ownership virtually illegal. Rapists and muggers, burglars and violent lunatics, awed by this magnificent gesture of peaceful co-existence, are ashamed to ply their trade in New York's blessed environs. (snicker) Will a future Lincoln take note that "combinations too powerful to be suppressed by local sheriffs and magistrates" have conspired to abrogate the Constitution and the Second Amendment in New York City, and call upon "the several states of the Union" to contribute "75,000 militia" in order to suppress said combinations and guarantee the free exercise of Second Amendment rights? (I insert this little scenario for the gleeful and malicious satisfaction of any skinny, guitar-twanging, perpetually rebellious Southerner who happens to be reading this article.6) Back to the subject at hand. (I can sense Kindly Editor becoming not so kindly. I can also sense him rummaging around for his cranial drill.) A lot of nonsense has been written about this subject; as well as a lot of marketing gimmickry perpetuated by certain manufacturers (Yes, Smith and Wesson, I mean you, with your "LadySmith" line.) Acting on the assumption that our well-outfitted woman is looking for a personal defense weapon, "stylishness" should really be the last consideration in choosing something to stake one's life on. I own a Soviet 7.62mm gas-seal Nagant revolver (the "Kirov Special," as I like to call it) which I consider to be, in it's own peculiar, retro kind of way, very attractive indeed, but I would hesitate to recommend it to anyone as a practical defensive weapon, any more than I would recommend my supremely complicated, heavy, ex-Chinese Warlord C96 Broomhandle Mauser. (Admittedly, the ability to attach a stock to the Mauser's grip would aid in picking off rapists and muggers at a distance; this does not outweigh, however, the many obvious drawbacks of the archaic, obsessively Teutonic Mauser design and, at that point, you might just as well lug an SKS Carbine around downtown Manhattan.) I hate plastic guns and I think most Ruger semi-autos are hideously clunky. Others may disagree. No accounting for taste. There are a number of handguns that are commonly associated with the gentler sex; the association is not generally a very rational one. The fact that Smith and Wesson has stuck lovely colored handgrips on some of their designs and dubbed them the "LadySmith" line does not actually make them any more suitable for use by women, although (with the colored handgrips) it does give the expensive S&W product the same kind of ambience associated with such white trash specials as the cheap Lorcin and Davis .22 semiauto pocket pistols. At this point our imaginary female reader dimples prettily and inquires: "But what handgun should I purchase? And please take your hand off my knee before I slug you one." This kind of question can really only be answered on an individual basis -- women, like men, come in all shapes, sizes, ages and physical capabilities. My friend, the very tall and very lovely Rachael L., owns and carries a full sized SIG 9mm -- a handgun that would be too much for some members of the male sex. (Her husband, the very tall, and very Russian-American Alexander L., probably does not need a handgun, as he seems perfectly capable of pulling off the head of any potential assailant like a pop-bottle cap. Hi, Alex!) Recoil is dependent on a number of factors -- not just the power or calibre of the cartridge, but the weight of the gun. A powerful cartridge like the .44 Magnum fired from a small, snub-nosed revolver is quite unpleasant to shoot indeed; on the other hand, the .45 ACP fired from a heavy M1911A1 Colt semi-automatic is not unpleasant at all (to me, at least) to shoot. Very small guns may either be too difficult to shoot accurately or fire an inadequate cartridge -- on the other hand, a handgun that is too difficult to conceal, or too heavy to carry around comfortably will end up, inevitably, staying home in a dresser drawer, defeating the purpose of carrying a concealed weapon. As to what, if anything, is guaranteed to stop a rapist -- this is a complicated and contentious issue. We can all agree that a 12-gauge shotgun blast of buckshot in the face will discourage even the most determined rapist -- sudden decapitation is a well-known anaphrodisiac, after all. When you get to handgun calibres, however, there is less agreement. I would be inclined to say that any calibre below .380 (or 9mm Makarov) is pretty marginal as a self-defense cartridge. The .25 ACP, .22 rimfire or .32 ACP are calibres that are used in guns designed primarily for small size and concealability -- they are better than no gun at all. I would stress that any of these rounds are extremely deadly and not to be trifled with, but the question is how much stopping power they have. It's little comfort to you if the person you shoot dies in horrible agony hours later (.22 rimfire is particularly noted for this), if in the meantime he's managed to stab you with that big butcher knife. (I would also comment that .22 rimfire is a less reliable round than the other two -- it's more prone to misfire and jam in semi-auto weapons.) Without getting into the usual interminable debate indulged in by the firearms community on this question, I would say that 9mm Parabellum now seems to be the accepted optimal handgun round, in almost universal use by military and police forces all around the world. There are a variety of hollow-point cartridges available in this calibre -- anyone who carries a pistol for self-defense purposes uses hollow-point bullets not only for enhanced stopping power, but to lessen the chances of the bullet going through the person shot at, through a wall, and into some innocent person on the other side. (Non-hollow-point rounds are used for target practice. At ranges. With backstops.7) Peculiar calibres, particularly obsolete or obscure military calibres used in some imported surplus firearms are best avoided. (On the other hand, quite a bit of now-illegal Czech 7.62mm Tokarev steel-core armor-piercing handgun ammunition was brought into this country before Bubba and Janet "Shaky Old Bitch" Reno noticed what was going on. Fired from a ugly-but-indestructible Czech CZ-52 pistol -- a gun still available very cheaply -- these surplus rounds will go right through most body armor. Something for the brave boys of the FBI, or the BATF, to think about every time they break down someone's door in a "no-knock" search, isn't it?) How to figure out which gun is right for you? Revolver? Automatic? Big? Small? The best way is to go to your local friendly indoor shooting range. (If you don't already know how to shoot, bring a friend who does.) Such ranges will often either rent you a handgun, or simply check out handguns to you provided you buy their ammunition. In this way you can try out a wide variety of calibres, sizes, and patterns. The prudent will got to the NRA safety and education web page, and avail themselves of the services of a local, NRA-approved firearms instructor. And so we come nearly to the end. As you can see, I have managed to take over 1600 words to say, essentially "Go ask someone else" and "Whatever gun you like best." HA HA, Kindly Editor! I have TRICKED YOU AGAIN! I am the Last Man, beyond Good and Evil, etc, etc! The survival instincts hardwired into my cunning primate brain8 have allowed me to foist this vicious farrago upon you as a real article! However, I can't leave it at that. Let's say that you, the adorable female reader, just wants to know "What gun do you think I should get?" Well, I think you should get what I have, because I am never wrong about anything! And that gun is none other than the 9mm Makarov semi-automatic pistol (9mm Pistolet Makarova). These handy, well-made pocket pistols have been imported into this country from the ex-Soviet Union, ex-East Germany, and Bulgaria. They fire a round very similar to the American .380 cartridge, a short 9mm round (since 9mm Makarov can be found everywhere, I see no need to buy the .380 version of this gun cobbled together for the export market by the Russians). Around here (the lovely, damp, Pacific Northwest) the Bulgarian Makarov is going for around $130 dollars, and it's a real bargain. These guns were made the old-fashioned way, with lots of machine-work. If you can find an East German weapon, those are the most nicely finished, followed by the Bulgarian and the Russian versions. They all shoot well. Try www.makarov.com for more information. It's time to go. I can hear Kindly Editor shuffling about in the abandoned, ruined Templar castle, bony arms outstretched, hollow eye sockets filled with cobwebs, trepanation chisel clutched in one claw-like hand. If I stand very, very still, he can't hear me breathe... At the rifle range, I lost my heart At the rifle range, I could not start At the rifle range, I heard a shot At the rifle range, she left me so hot At the rifle range - from "Rifle Range", sung by Debbie Harry Written by Chris Stein and R. Toast. Notes: 1. "Her audacity was soon legendary in the Russian community, in no way diminished by the fact that she carried a pistol in Berlin. Most likely it was a Browning 1900...'Were you really practicing shooting in order to kill Trotsky?' asked a friend, years later. 'Well, yes, I'm afraid I was' confessed an amused Mrs. Nabokov, who was not yet Mrs. Nabokov at the time. She was proud to admit she was a crack shot; she claimed to be every bit as fine a marksman as her teacher, a Berlin champion. To select interviewers she confirmed that in the early 1920s she had been involved in an assassination plot, which most understood to have been aimed at Trotsky, a few to have been focused on the Soviet ambassador. She may have been inspired by -- in any case she was not daunted by -- the suicide mission of Fannie Kaplan, a fearless young Russian Jew who had fired her Browning three times at the well-protected Lenin in 1918, and who had been executed for the attempt." From VERA (MRS.VLADIMIR NABOKOV), the Pulitzer-award-winning biography by Stacy Schiff. 2. A mythological being. 3. "Hermeneut" From "hermeneutic" That's all the explanation you're going to get. Gowan, kid, get outta here, ya bother me. 4. If you want to learn more about the fascinating history of the Knights Templar, I recommend Amando de Ossorio's scholarly, well-researched and authoritative documentary film, TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD. Nothing in it about trepanation, however. Sigh. 5. From the work of well-known people's folk artist, E. Costello. 6. i.e. Billy Beck, another mythological being 7. Also for blasting away at bottles, cans, and discarded appliances out at the gravel pit. 8. My cunning hard-wired primate brain, purchased from the back of a 1974 copy of FAMOUS MONSTERS for $5.00 plus shipping and handling, is floating placidly in its spooky, underlit tank of brain fluid. It's laughing at you too, Kindly Editor. © John Sabotta 2001 All rights reserved Previously by John Sabotta... "We know how to do that stuff better" (12/19/00) The Cinema Mystique (11/24/00) |